Hate Starting at the Very Beginning?
Hi Navigators,
I thought I would hate starting again… with anything. Middle age and a few tough years of change has had me full up with a long list of beginnings and starts – some that led to success, and others were seeds that, once planted and started, eventually died in the ground. As I life-long learner, and having coached for over 10 years professionally, it isn’t like I’d really stopped learning and growing: but “starting again” when I was so close to what could be considered mastery seemed thoroughly distasteful. Ugh.
But a few days ago, I stopped fighting the restart. I put the conflicts out of my mind and agreed to start my “start again from scratch” journey with a mentor coach. Within moments with her, the agreement was, well, agreeing with me. I was in full starting-again and rediscovery mode. Relieved of the need to master anything and comforted by my mentor’s support, I wallowed around in what felt like a warm but muddy ignorance and embraced the confusion of some levels and areas of deep incompetence as a coach, listener and solution-supporter. As I put down my own learning toolkit and became a student to my teacher, it all seemed again fresh, new and open. Yes, even though my mind seemed infertile territory, new seed has taken root. Nurtured and safe in starting again and without having to think, reorient, integrate…or consider anything with intellect or wisdom, I am happy and comfortable with unknowing – and eager for more.
Wow.
So why the restart? I am finally doing what it takes to complete my ICF (International Coaching Federation) certification. My “start again” opportunity was with a marvelous mentor coach during the first of a number of sessions I will undertake to see all those years of coach training, practice, and experience bear fruit. My mentor was a tour guide – a master of the territory, experienced and able to know what was there and for me, undiscovered.
While not a beginner, and not at the start of a learning journey as a coach, in these moments with a “beginner’s mind“, I saw, heard and experienced long known concepts and methods anew, as profoundly as they were the first a-ha’s when I experienced coaching for the first time many, many years ago.
Indeed, one of my favorite discoveries was, “you’re taking on too much of the work for your client – you don’t need to work that hard!” Laughably, I had – and likely have been doing that with my own clients for far too long even as I helped coaches and mediators to discover the same thing over and over again! Dozens of my own students will read this and hear me saying to them, “…. really, you don’t need to work that hard!”
Over the coming weeks and months, I’ll have more chances to again put myself in the care of a mentor coach – and to learn again what I’ve not been able to see, learn and do on my own – and I can’t wait!
Of course as I go through this period I will share occasionally with you. Here are a few “beginner’s mind” tips to help you not to work too hard as a coach, mediator or mentor:
1. Recognize that people come with their own resources – they can get through this conversation (and their issue or challenge) without any help from you. This mindset is a powerful one – it means you can be supportive but not “sell” someone on what you bring to the conversation.
2. Engage in listening with your ears without engaging your brain. I know this sounds weird, but if you are listening with your brain geared up to filter and respond to what your ears are hearing, you are not fully listening as your brain concentrates on listening to itself.
3. Adapt your own natural curiousity to help them deepen their own understanding – ask single questions simply… who, what, where, when, and how are the open question “magic 5 W’s”, generating reflection, information and options. The underlying doubt or “duh???” helps to unseat their emotional barriers to learning. For example, ask yourself just now, “what DOES make me interested in reading this blog post anyway???” You may be surprised what such a simple curious question does to get you deeper in what drives you =).
4. Learn you can let your panic go. It very frequently happens that I am flooded with doubt at the outset of a discussion with someone in conflict. It may surprise you that even with a lifetime of experience, a master’s and as a full-time mediator and coach that am distracted by my doubt that I can fully understand people or solve their problems. This panic is, I’ve learned, my own natural and very human reaction… and it is a fleeting thing that goes away quickly if I don’t pay attention to it. If you do experience this panic, go back to tip #1 =)
Cheers,
